In my first post I wrote that if I believed my sins are forgiven, then I would be so much more grateful, instead of feeling like I don't have enough. Yesterday, I was feeling very sad because I was wondering if my children are going to love God and live their lives with Him as their Lord. I was thinking that all these years I have loved God and lived for him and that my kids should see that love and love Him also. I know they have to forge their own way, find their own faith, but what if they don't? Is God enough for me? In John 15:11, Jesus says, "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." I do not feel like His joy is in me and that my joy is complete. 1 Thess. 5:16 says, "Be joyful always." I don't care much about material things and yet I have so much. Maybe that is why I say I don't care much about them. Take it all away and how will I feel? Right now my kids live their lives solely for their own gratification. I know they are young and need to mature. But, what if they don't ever change? Will I feel God has let me down? That He doesn't really love me? Will I just keep going through the motions, like I am now, not truly believing, hoping I make it into Heaven? I don't want to live this way. I want God, and God alone, to be enough. I want my joy to be dependant on Him. That is true joy. I see I have no joy at all. I am "happy" one day, and not the next. I am so very ungrateful! It must have broken Jesus' heart when his mother came to take charge of him because she thought he was going crazy. I am sure Jesus could have felt like me, that it wasn't supposed to happen that way. That his family was supposed to love and trust him more than anyone else. But, he didn't. He just looked around at all he did have, and was joyful for that. He ended his young life giving everything up for God.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." ~Hebrews 12:1 -2
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WOW - girl I am VERY impressed with your blog so far. I love that you are so willing to write all this down and share it. What's interesting is that I have had all of these same thoughts (well obviously not about the kids part, but you get the point). So, why have we not had conversations about our thoughts and feelings like this before? I know I need it and obviously you do too! We definitely need to get deeper when we get together and talk.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing friend!
love ya
Sarah